Friday, October 01, 2010

My Little Girl is Growing Up and I'm Destined to Be An Oompa Loompa

My baby has grown into a little girl.  Even the doctor said so today at her appointment. 

Standing 43 inches and 37 pounds,  my little girl is now stands 19 inches shorter and almost 100 pounds lighter then me. 

Now, if someone will please tell me how I've managed to cram almost 100 extra pounds on 19 extra inches, I'd like to know.  It makes me feel just a bit heavy.  Just a little. 

Which is sad because, since when were we supposed to be comparing ourselves to our 5 year olds?  And since when was your 5 year old supposed to start threatening to grow taller then her mother AT ANY MOMENT? 

It's almost like the conversation I had with her yesterday that went something like: Mommy, are you growing any taller?  No.  Are you going to get any shorter? Probably, in 20 years or more when osteoporosis sets in.  So I can be taller then you in 20 years!  **squeals with delight**,   is coming back to bite me in the butt.  Because, what if I don't have 20 years left before the start of osteoporosis?  What if it's already started to happen?  And by the time she turns 6, not only will she gain 2 more inches and 3 more pounds, but then I LOOSE 2 INCHES AND GAIN 3 MORE POUNDS? 

Do you see where I'm going here?  My kid is growing like a weed.  A FUCKING WEED.  And soon she'll be just as tall as I am but I'll still weigh a significant amount more then her.  And then, when she starts having children,  her kids are going to start calling me Oompa Loompa Granma and insist I use that orange spray tan and dress in funny white overalls with pockets that point out and accentuate my beautiful childbearing hips every year for Halloween!

Quick!  Someone come up with an idea how to smush my child back into a teeny tiny body that will be little and dainty and TODDLER-ISH because this whole MY BABY IS A LITTLE GIRL thing is freaking me the fuck out. 


  1. You have two options here: You could start binding her, kinda like the Chinese do to their feet but wrap up her whole body, or you could get her hooked on cigarettes to stunt her growth.

    Or you could do both!

  2. Ooh! What great options! I think I'll go with getting Kyra hooked on smoking. She may start to smell really, really bad but it seems like much less work then trying to bind her. LoL! Or just suck it up and embrace my short stature compared to Kyra's tallness!

  3. Alicia, I am five inches taller than my mother, and I have been since the fifth grade. That's what happens when you marry someone who is taller than you. You become the shortest person in the family in short order. The plus side is that once they surpass you, you can pass off all the jobs that require reaching (i.e. dusting, windows, getting stuff off the top shelf) simply by saying, "Hey, tall person," and it will get done.

  4. Furthermore, if you don't want to be an oompa loompa, you could always don a blue cape and go as the fairy godmother.