Wednesday, October 03, 2007

Someone Is In the Dog House Tonight

Today, Jeremy came home with a printed email he received on the boat. With a sly smile on his face he hands it over to me, waiting for a reaction. My reaction? Can I post this on my blog?

The Man Rules

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down. Finally, the guys' side of the story. We always hear "the rules" from the female side, now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE! (ya, because it was a mistake and you can't admit you. were. wrong!)

1. Men are NOT mind readers. (No shit? I bet if you were, the trash would have been taken out two days ago.)

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down. (It belongs down because that is the sanitary way to flush. The last thing I need is your urine germs spraying in tiny microscopic particles around the bathroom.)

1. Sunday sports, it's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be. (It's also like the toddler screaming in your ear with a 103 degree temperature. It happens, wake the fuck up and tend to her.)

1. Crying is blackmail. (Yet you fall for it every time.)

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it! (Fine, no sex for you tonight! Not even a little foreplay. How's that for "just say it"... jackass.)

1. "Yes" and "No" are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question. (I sit at home talking to a toddler all day and the only thing you have to say is yes and no? Boy, I hope your right hand and the dog house are your favorite things lately.)

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for. (I'll give you this one. My idea of sympathy has nothing to do with stripping naked and falling asleep shortly after the deed is done. And by the way, that's not my idea of problem solving either...)

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact all comments become null and void after 7 days. (Like when you told me I was getting pudgy while pregnant with Kyra? Ya, no. That's staying with you until your dieing day.)

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. (Remember, I have second cousins in the MOB. You could be fish food if you don't watch yourself.)

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one. (Oh, of course. That's why you'd hand a bunch of silly "man rules" to me. To let me know you love and appreciate all the hard work I do for you and our household, right?)

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done, not both. If you already know the best way to do it, just do it yourself. (Ya, because I don't have enough to do with raising our daughter, caring for our dogs, cleaning our house, and having dinner on the table when you get home. Thanks for noticing my hands are full.)

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials. (You know, because I wouldn't want to interrupt your precious television watching to tell you to wipe your daughter's butt.)

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we. (Of course not! Columbus was only looking for India but instead landed himself in AMERICA. I understand, at least he made it in the same general area. Indians with feathers look so much like Indians with dots.)

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is. (I got that. Long ago in your dorm room days it was quite apparent.)

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that. (And I wish you'd stop, or at the very least wash your hands afterwards. Its disgusting.)

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing is wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle. (I'll remember that. When you least expect it, I'll be springing that one long before your 7 day statute of limitations are up.)

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear. (What, are you going to use your trusty "yes" or "no" answers?)

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really. (Fine, next time we go out I'll be in my birthday suit. Then everyone can see my goodies. What's that, honey? Is that back peddling I hear?)

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball or motor sports. (Or in your case computer games or the inner workings of a submarine. I have long learned not to ask.)

1. You have enough clothes. (Someone has to compensate for the 5 winkled shirts you insist on wearing. You know we own both and iron and a dryer? Pick one.)

1. You have too many shoes. (I don't hear you complaining when I buy you a new pair.)

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape! (If I wanted to marry Humpty Dumpty, I would have. For the love of God, care what your health is becoming.)

1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping. (Oh, no honey, you've over estimated yourself. You're in the dog house. I suggest warm pajamas, it gets mighty cold after dark. Oh, and beware of the skunk who lurks at night.)


  1. ahhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahaha!!!!

    go Alicia!!!!!!!!!!!

    bad Jeremy....bad!


    the VA girl!

    by the way ...
    i think i might print this out, and let James read the oh so wonderful points you have given!!

  2. I can not stop laughing!! Love what you added to it!

  3. ROFL!!!!!!!

    I love this, I love love love it, especially the toilet seat thing. My hubby is so sweet, always puts it down but I tell you, when I was growing up with 2 brothers (neither of whom were that considerate) there were MANY times I'd gone flying in to go and landed IN THE TOILET BOWL. (laughing my arse off about it now but didn't back then)

    Also a big fan of the "nothing's wrong" line. I use it with my beloved all the time - he says nothing? Fine I'm not that interested to pursue it.

    Also a big fan of the "itch/scratch" thing too. LOL. Particularly after an area has been shaved and you end up with frickin razor burn. GRRRRRR.

  4. OMG this made my day!!! That was hilarious!

    "What, are you going to use your trusty yes or no answers?" That one did me in. I think I might have pulled something!

  5. Great comebacks!! Don't men know better? We always have an answer to anything they have to say. :)

  6. I've seen this one around, and Seth and I always get a kick out of it. Of course, with Seth, I only have to worry about half of these. Be honest. Does Jeremy really give you this much trouble?