Sunday, January 20, 2013

A Picture of Exhaustion

I've said it before and I'll say it again, its the nights that are the hardest.  Those desperately lonely nights where you're tired and exhausted, the kids are finely in bed but you can't muster the energy to do the dishes so you sit on the couch flipping channels until sleep finally comes, way later than you'd hoped. 

Its those nights where the pediatrician has given you the Okay you so desperately wanted to let the baby start to cry it out.  You doubt her belief that things will be better in a week but hope she's on to something.  Almost two weeks in, you're back to square one.  It did get better, for a few nights, but no longer.  You now hate the new milestone of rolling over.

Its those nights when you're shushing, cooing and coddling at 2AM but never daring to pick up.  And 4AM comes around and you're shushing, cooing and coddling but never daring to pick up.  The 5AM, after you've been shushing, cooing and coddling every ten to fifteen minutes with no relief in sight.  And its the 5:30 when you finally break down and nurse the baby back to sleep because the urge to do harm is becoming overwhelming. 

Then an urge to walk away, shut as many doors between you and baby to sit and cry.  Cry and sob and blubber.  You wonder what is wrong with you.  You know you've done this all before.  You've been up, countless hours with another screaming baby and no relief, before.  And before you had potential help.

You wish for him home, now, so he could help but he never helped before.  While he slept soundly, waiting for another day of work or play, you sat up with a crying baby then, too, as you cried yourself. 

During the daylight hours you'd beg for his mercy, beg for him to help you but he never did.  So what makes you think he'd help you this time?  Why wish for something that wouldn't happen anyway?  Why sit up, crying with the baby, wishing for a fantasy?  Doesn't it just make things harder?

Its those nights where you wonder why he keeps doing this to you?  Strait from shore command to the first boat out to sea.  He joked about such things, but to implement it twice...?  Coincidence?  Are you and the children really that horrible to live with?  Are you really that exhausting? 

During the day you sing his praises, love him deeply, miss him dearly.  During the nights you wonder what it is about this to love.  This tired.  This lonely.  This sad and angry.

But you've dug your hole and now you have to sit in the mud, hoping the rain will stop.  Or the constant shelling overtop subsides.  Its your hole, though, so you embrace it. 

Its those nights where you can't find the sleep that's needed, instead pouring your soul out for all to judge.  To get it off your chest is the only way your brain will shut down.  Sleep will come once you hit Publish because you've finally told someone

Its those nights where its 6AM, you've been away for a half hour and the baby is back at it.  You just fed her, held her, rocked her and still, she cries.

Its those nights where you know things will get better when the sun comes up and the children start to stir. 

Its the nights.  The nights are the hardest.


  1. I LOVE YOU!! I'm so sorry that this deployment has been so rough and I wish I were closer so I could sweep in and give you a break. ((HUGS))

    1. Thank you :) I wish we were closer just for the friendship and company. I have yet to find a replacement for you... I've been looking for 4 years, now.

    2. Not happy that you're lonely, but glad I'm not easily replaced ... if so I'd have nothing to hook you into moving here eventually since I can't replace you either!

  2. I wish I were there! I wish I could help. I wish I could commiserate with you, even though my situation with a newborn is nowhere near what yours is. Thinking of you and sending hugs from miles away.

    1. Each baby comes with their own obstacles. Yours is probably that Hadley is just too darned cute for her own good. :) Ruby's is that her cuteness is her saving grace. I keep telling her she is MUCH cuter in the sunlight, when my contacts aren't all dried out and plastered to my eye and threatening to fold in half with every blink. One day she'll take this for the truth.

      I appreciate the thoughts and long distance hugs. They are just what I need in the middle of the night. Honest to goodness.