Tuesday, April 17, 2012

It's A Sign. A Sign SOMEONE Needs A New Job.

My heart stopped beating twice today, because of a shitty lifeguard I've been cursing in my head for 8 weeks now thanks to the glazed look he gets in his eyes as he stares at the wall on the other side of the pool.

The first time was when a little girl, who ALWAYS lags 15 feet behind the pack, had her floatation device spontaneously unbuckle from her waist.  There she was, desperately trying to make it to the side of the pool, right under the feet of the lifeguard who was staring off into space.  It was the little girl's mother who shot to the side of the pool to alert the lifeguard to, you know, do his job and save this child.

Can you guess what happened, next?

He stood there, clutching his long, floaty, life saving device and watched the teacher swim the 10 feet back to grab the little girl. 


I shit you not!

The second time was when the kids were taking turns climbing out of the pool to slide down a make shift slide.  Each child was allotted two turns before the instructors unbelted the floaty things from their backs and sent them to their mother's for towels.

Lydia-- my dear kumquat of a child-- apparently either (a) was unaware they took her floaty off or (b) was unaware she was finished with the class-- went back to the slide, went into the water, in front of a teacher.  The teacher then passed her off to the side {meaning for her to swim back to the stairs to the other teacher} and moved on to the next kid.  All this happened before I could rouse Kyra off the bleachers and get to Lydia before she slid into the water.

It was my turn to point out my child was barely treading water.  I by-passed the lifeguard who was, once again, standing directly above the scene of the action, oblivious to life happening around him.

Excuse me!  Teacher A!  Lydia isn't wearing her floaty and needs help!

Teacher A reaches out, plucks Lydia up and starts with her in hand, towards the stairs.  Lifeguard Dumb Ass, looks at me and shrugs his shoulders. 

Take that in.

He looks at me.  The mother who's child he didn't notice was drowning.  AND SHRUGS HIS SHOULDERS.

Someone please pat me on the back because I. Did. Not., as much as was my first instinct, rip his head right off his motherfuckingshurggingshoulders.

I really think I deserve some kind of award.  Or box of chocolate topped, vanilla cream filled, Krispy Kreme donuts.

I looked at Lifeguard Dumb Ass, told him he was doing really shitty at his job today and walked to
Teacher B to gather my child as she apologized, saying Lydia was supposed to find me for her towel. 

Both cases were total and complete accidents.  Things that can be listed under SHIT HAPPENS.

I'm not angry with the teacher who was 15 feet in front of one kid, who thinks it's play time, to keep up with the other 8 students in class.  This kid had been harped on again and again to keep up.  The mother didn't do anything to help the situation, unless you count taking lots of pictures of your child while she didn't follow basic instructions.  Honestly.  SHIT. HAPPENS.  It's no one's fault.

Nor can I be offended with the teacher who let Lydia slide into the pool, never noticing something important was missing.  Lydia didn't listen to her instructor's directions.  I didn't get to her side in time to correct her lack of listening skills.  It happens.  SHIT. HAPPENS.

But when your a fucking lifeguard.  And all your job entails is making sure to watch the water for small, drowning children.  And you fail.  TWICE.  In TEN MINUTES.  That's not SHIT HAPPENS.  That's, you need another fucking career.

One that doesn't involve attention to detail.


  1. wow! just wow! i'm very impressed that you could keep your cool and he's lucky he got to keep his head!

    1. GAH! I just couldn't believe it happened once... and then it happened AGAIN. Jer and I decided last week not to re-enroll the girls in classes since we don't know when we'll be moving. This was her last class. What a way to end!