My Life. In Comedy.

So, Jeremy's out of town, visiting his family in the Land of the Country Bumpkin and of course, OF COURSE!, this means that today we get lovely thunderstorms that came through this evening with mild, never gonna fucking happen, tornado warnings attached. 

I, being the proactive parent that I am, run over a quick tornado drill of sorts with Kyra and Lydia.

Me:  Okay, what do we do if a tornado comes?
Kyra: GET IN A CLOSET!
Me: Right!  Which closet?
K: **proceeds to show me exactly which closet**

The conversation goes on from there.  We cover what we'll do to protect ourselves, how to accomplish such tasks and what to expect for an aftermath.  Which leads to....

Lydia runs to her bed and begins to collect as many stuffed animals as her tiny arms can hold.  She's going to save.them.all.damn it.

Kyra runs from one natural disaster lesson to another...

K: Well, what do we do if there's a fire OUTSIDE?! 
Me:  If there were a fire outside, then the firemen would have already warned us to get out of our house.
K:  But WHAT IF the storm comes and the tornado causes a fire OUT.SIDE?!
Me:  Well, then run away from it and go find help. 
K:  But I can spray it with a WATER HOSE!
Me:  Yes, but would you rather stand there and spray it with a tiny stream of water.... or let the firemen do it with a GIANT hose that sprays LOTS.OF.WATER?

Point proven.

Except that, she then starts to run through every possible natural disaster episode that could take place in her tiny 6 year old brain. Including how we're going to save the dogs in each and every scenario. Meanwhile...

Jeremy calls from the Land of the Country Bumpkin to say he's arrived safe and sound.  I answer the phone on speaker and handed it directly to Lydia who proceeded to hold onto as many stuffed critters as she could while still grasping the phone and screaming to her Daddy, "THERE'S A TORNADO COMING AND WE HAVE TO HIDE IN THE CLOSET!!!"

Yes.  She totally did.

Jer then starts trying to put things together the best he can.  "There's a tornado coming?"
"YA!"
"And you're in the closet?"
"YA!  CAUSE THERE'S A TORNADO!"
"Do I need to call you back?"
"YA!  BYE BYE!"

I then snatch the phone out of her hand while quickly trying to explain what is going on.

Me: Look. There's storms coming in with tornado warnings attached.  The girls heard it on the news so I thought it would be smart to run through what to do just in case.
Jer:  Well, don't you think the bathroom would be better then the closet? 
Me:  Honestly, I don't forsee a tornado happening.  And the closet is smaller.  And none of that matters, anyway, because Lydia's busy trying to gather as many stuffed animals as she can to save them all and Kyra's running through worse case scenarios of every shape and size and all the "What if's"attached to them. 
Jer: *mocking Kyra* What happens if there's a BEAR? IN THE WOODS? ON FIRE?! 

Clearly he understands the comedy playing out at home.  All while he's trapped in Hell.

No.  Seriously.  H.E.L.L.

He said the temp when he got off the plane was something like 106 with 1,000% humidity. 

I'm thanking God right now I'm sitting pretty in the Toxic Crap Hole with a quick rain shower passing through and possible, never going to fucking happen, tornado warning in effect. 

I'm thinking of answering the phone every time he calls with, "How's it in Hell?"

Ha. Ha. HA!