Thursday, February 12, 2009

Holding the Guilt

Hole Lee Shit. I am so tired of holding a baby I might just put her down and let her cry.

Oh. Wait. Been there, done that, she rarely cries herself to sleep when I really, truly need her too.

I've said it before. Kyra was the EASIEST baby ever. EV. ER. She wanted to be held just long enough to see the world. Her biggest thing was to entertain her. Keep things moving, keep things new and fresh, keep things routine. Dull moments only lead to trouble.

Clearly she hasn't changed.

Lydia is following directly behind her. Footstep by bouncing footstep... with one exception, she wants you to hold her while entertaining her. Or while putting her to sleep. Or while she's sleeping. Or while I'm trying to cook a supper consisting of cubed steak that's being fried in hot popping oil and the husband is outside with the older child busy entertaining her and I'm doing my best to turn a steak with one hand while shielding her wiggly ass with the other.

True story.

But good God Almighty. Can I just get a break?

I feel like I shouldn't complain. Other then the wanting to be held all the time, she's an amazing baby. She sleeps through the night (or so I call it when she sleeps from 9pm to 4am consistently), we solved what we thought to be colic in the first three weeks by switching her to soy formula, she smiles at everything from the couch backing to a swirling fan... Lydia is an absolute peach- as long as I'm holding her and josling my arm or leg at the same time.

While this is probably a great way to lose weight, it still gets tiring. And I feel strained.

I feel guilty when I beg Jeremy to just take her! Its your turn to hold her even though you just walked through the door after working all day.

I feel guilty when friends hold her but she starts to cry because they're not moving her, not stimulating her, not entertaining her. Like I've done something wrong to create such a needy baby. A "spoiled" baby- as my mother and Jeremy both call her. But she's not needy, or spoiled, she's just a cuddle bug. From the day she was born- 6 weeks and 2 days ago- she wants to be held and cuddled and on the move.

But worst of all, I feel guilty for neglecting Kyra. I've heard over and over that this is a normal reaction after you have your second child but the thing is- Kyra doesn't even seem to notice. She isn't jealous, she shows copious amounts of love to Lydia and myself and has yet to act as if something has changed in the last 6 weeks. And still I wonder, how can I make sure Kyra isn't forgotten.

I get tired of holding the baby. Yet it kills me to ask someone else to step in.

After 2 children and over 3 years of this parenting business, I don't know how to ever get comfortable asking someone to give me 10 minutes of free time without feeling guilty.

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