Life Is Good When You're Average

Today we paid a visit to Dr. Seuss, according to Kyra anyway. We thought Kyra was sporting a UTI, but thankfully, she's not.

What I did find out is she is still gaining weight. What makes me really excited is that last year around this time we were being warned that she wasn't gaining the weight they expected her to and we needed to fatten her up.

I'll recap it for you-
12 months: 19lbs
15 months: 20lbs
18 months: 21lbs
24 months: 25lbs
28 months: 27lbs

This time her pediatrician mentioned, as she scanned the charts, that she was happy Kyra is still gaining weight and at the rate she's going she'll be back in the 50th percentile before we know it!

I'm not certain what bit of news was more exciting, no UTI or the fact that my kid is slowly returning back to "average"- whatever that may be.

Oh look, I think that's a weight being lifted off my shoulder and placed on Kyra's thighs. How lovely!

I Falsely Assumed She'd Be Okay With the Impending Move

Kyra to the pre-move house inspector: No! Key-da's books! Key-da's toys! Go. Out. RIGHT. NOW!

Apparently I need to ship Kyra off to a friends house before the movers come to box her books and toys up.

Story Time: A Girl and Her Dog

Once upon a time, there was a little girl named Kyra

and her puppy dog, Bishop.

Kyra loved her puppy dog so. He was, indeed, her best friend. She reigned havoc over her little puppy. Jumping on his back, pulling his ears, and dragging him around by the collar are just some of the ways she likes to "play" with her best friend.

To get back at Kyra, Bishop enjoys giving her a sloppy tongue bath.

During the slobber fest Kyra wiggles, screeches and pulls away.

But through all the commotion she makes, she also giggles with delight and, ultimately, asks for more.

There is another puppy dog in the story. Kyra wants so badly to be Cricket's bestest friend too. She enjoys chasing him around the house, attempting to drag him by his collar, and makes every effort to catch him off guard so she may jump on his back too. But Cricket is a smart one, he hides under the bed.

And under the bed is the one place Kyra hasn't been able to get to him. Yet, we all wait for the time to come where she realizes that she too can fit under the bed.

Until that time comes, you can usually find Kyra here, torturing-um, I mean playing with- her best friend Bishop the puppy dog.

And on the off chance she's taking a break from her best friend, she also enjoys demanding I take pictures of her. Occasionally, she'll even let her mother be in the picture with her.


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In other news, Jeremy actually apologized. Though it was at 6 o'clock this morning and I was half asleep, he said those wonderful words, I'm sorry I was a bear yesterday. And that was that.

Well, maybe not exactly. I think subconsciously I tried to get even with him. As he was strapping Kyra into her car seat in Wal-Mart's parking lot, I accidentally put the car in gear before I started it. Thank goodness the parking break was on as the car lurched forward just enough to smack his shoulder in the door frame before the engine cut.

I have to say once the Oh my gosh I'm sorry! wore off, I couldn't stop laughing so hard I was crying. I almost offed my husband and all I could do was giggle uncontrollably.

I'm a terrible person, I know.

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Did you guys know Garth Brooks has no butt? Like, seriously, his back just continues on down to his legs. I was watching his live concert on TV tonight and that was the first thing I noticed. He's not even a hottie in my book. Men's rear ends just happen to be one of the first features I notice.

Does that make me weird?

Yep, That's His Ass Waving About

Is it only my husband who, in front of some friends, likes to show his ass and treat his me like I should be in the kitchen and not the group conversation by interrupting every sentence that comes out of my mouth to tell me that No, your wrong.

Because, seriously, how in the world would you know I was wrong if you have no idea what I was about to say?

I got so fed up with being interrupted and hearing No, your wrong for the hundredth time that I threw up my hands while exclaiming I am so done with you tonight and take Kyra upstairs for a shower. Our friends take a cue from the thick air (or maybe it was their own toddler throwing a tired tantrum) and head out while I'm in the bathroom with Kyra.

Jer comes to say he's sorry but he feels like it's my fault.

Whatever, eat my ass you prick.

After Kyra goes to bed he comes back and apologizes again.

Fine, I accept.

But then, because the jerk doesn't know how to accept proper fault these days he walks away saying But in my defense...

Really? In your defense? Can he not just say I'm sorry for waving my ass in the air for all to see while you sit there, gaped mouth, as I talk to you this way. I was a big fat jerk and I'm sorry. The end.

I usually wouldn't get so upset about stuff like this except he's been doing this for weeks now and its getting old. I even brought it to his attention not even 24 hours ago, asking him to not cut me off and talk to me like that. To that he replied that each month he has to meet his quota to do one thing a month to annoy me and this is what he's chosen for this month. That's great, honey, but could you cut it out now. It's hurting my feelings.

But no, the big fat jerk is still there, trying to escape via his vocal cords. Which at this point I might cut his damned vocal cords myself and we'll see how well he can say I'm sorry, but it really, really is all your fault I'm acting like an ass.

Is this just my husband or do the rest of them loose the important Treat Your Wife With Respect screw once in a while?

I'll Take That As A Hint

Remember when you first looked at your mother and decided they had no idea what they were doing when it came to dancing? Do you also remember when they attempted to dance in public and you were absolutely mortified?

Kyra had that moment last night.

I- a fairly good dancer, or so I've been told- was doing my moves through the Wal-Mart isles trying to entertain Kyra and make her laugh. Dancing used to work every time.

So I'm dancing. Kyra start crying and tells me "No dancing Mommy. Not nice! Stop it!" After I ignored her and continue to dance she starts in with the "Look at me, I said no ma'am!" Which in turn only makes Jeremy and I start to die of laughter because those last commands are word for what I say to her when she ignores me.

I think I'll take this as a hint to dance in public whenever I can. For no other reason then to embarrass her because that's my job as a mother.

At least that seemed to be my own mother's main job in my life...

(Love You Mom!)

Celeberity Crush

Heath Ledger passed away today. And that makes me sad.

He was one of my celebrity crushes. As in, if I ever had a shot in hell to just sit down for drinks and chit chat with that fine piece of mmm mmm mmm, Jeremy would have no choice but sit back and wait until I stop drooling before I get back to our marriage.

Why is it all the Hotties McHot Hot's have to die early? Why couldn't it be Tom Cruise and his crazy ass?

Now I have to find a new celebrity crush. I mean, I still have googly eyes for George Clooney, but he's old. Er. Then I prefer to drool over.

Who is your celebrity crush and why? More importantly, who do you see me crushing over next?

Random Ramblings

I saw a set of 3 month old triplets at the mall today. They were sweet, and cute and cuddly and damn it, I want a set of my own now.

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After yesterday's post Jennifer emailed me this suggestion:

God created us to appreciate beauty, so be glad that you're "one sexy
bitch." I dare you to slide that one into grace. "Dear Lord, I'm
grateful that you made me one sexy bitch, and that you gave me a man who's smart
enough to recognize how much God has blessed him by giving him such a wife.
Amen."

Jennifer, I love your sense of humor and will be using this as my evening prayer from now on. Thank you for making me grin stupidly for a very long time.

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In a week and a half I'll have two 2 year olds in my house, over night, for 2-3 days. And I'm giddy with excitement.

I'm even thinking I may get bold and try to help the Mama out and try to potty train the kid while she's here... mostly because of the thought of having to changing poo-poo diapers again. Not because it's gross but because now I've become lazy.

At Least I'm Going In A Handbasket

Would you guys consider me to be an overly vain person if every time I pass a mirror...

I now stop, look, smile gleefully and acknowledge that I am one sexy bitch.

I blame it on the new haircut.

Isn't vanity one of the seven deadly sins? Does that mean I'll be going to Hell?

Stupid People Suck

If someone were giving you a nearly new mattress, box spring and rails for free- F-O-R fucking F-R-E-E people!- don't you think it might be convenient to give this someone a day and time to pick it up and, oh I don't know, pick it up!

We have waited around all day because some lady said someone they knew really needed a bed and we just happen to have one we can't take with us to the Mason Dixon Line so I offered.

They were to pick it up today, but never gave a time. And never showed up. They did call at 7:30 this evening to say they don't know when they were going to pick it up and can I sit around my house and sometime between now and Monday they might be able to make it over here.

Seriously? Someone is pulling my leg, right?

Tip from me to you- if someone is giving you something *F-O-R F-R-E-E* lets not piss that someone off by waisting their time. Its just not nice.

One Reason Why...

My beautiful child fell asleep in my arms while I rocked her. She hasn't done this in over a year. And it wasn't even nap time yet.

I think my heart just melted.

...I want another.

"No, Key-da Play Wit Toys"

Does it reflect poorly upon me when every time I take Kyra for a play date to one particular friend's house she not only pee's but poops in her pants too? And not even at the same time.

She poops, I clean her up and inform her she has done bad and to tell Mommy when she has to go potty and 20 minutes later she comes walking past with wet pants and still says nothing- as if she doesn't even notice!

Really, every single time we step through their front door within 15 minutes time. Without fail. Even after I take her to the potty first thing, go over how we ask to use the restroom and I continue to ask her every 10 minutes if she has to go potty.

Or maybe this is Kyra's way of telling me that maybe we should get a house big enough for Kyra to have an entire playroom so things won't be quite so overwhelming that she forgets?

What's your take?

The Essence of Give and Take

The Give. We got our apartment.

Yea for us!

The great thing is, it has more square footage then what the government was going to give us, isn't in the of the Mason Dixon slums (which the government housing was), and we're paying less for our bigger place in a nice part of town then what the military was going to deduct from our paycheck. Seriously.

This is the first time the Navy hasn't been able to take care of our family better then the civilian's outside world, which would either make us really lucky we've been taken care of this far or the Navy has just forgotten about those assigned to live in this part of the country.

The Take. I chopped off my hair and I love it! (look here for a before picture) I even pampered myself and went to the spa and spent lots of money to have a scalp massage and deep conditioning oily treatment thing. It was nice. And I'd like to go back every 6 months.

Can you guys chip in and send me some money for my half birthday in June?



I was quite surprised at how heavy my long hair was. It really feels like there's just air flowing through my short locks now. Even Jeremy keeps commenting how "poofy" my hair is and I can't help but wonder how flat and dull my hair look before. Or maybe he's just surprised that I can actually style this new do?

Ooh! And I've already showered and styled my hair since these pictures were taken because I was curious if it was really as easy as my stylist made it look, and damn if it was just as simple. And fast! It took half the time to blow dry and style my hair then it did to simply blow dry my long hair.

Why didn't you all tell me sooner I needed a change?

The Give and Take. I finally saw a doctor yesterday about my inability to breathe. The verdict? I do not have a sinus infection but I was quite clogged in the sinus region. After I listed off all the medicated and non medicated ways I tried to treat myself with no relief the doctor looked at me and said "Well, I don't know what to do with you." So she sent me home with two prescription drugs and a prescription nasal spray... and I don't know exactly which drug maker to thank, but it took my snot away and I can breathe again. For more then 5 hours at a time.

And breathing without difficulty is glorious.

House Hunting- the Bad, the Horrid and the Who the Fuck Would Rent This Roach Motel

That explains nearly everything we've looked at so far.

Tomorrow we're hoping to put in an application for a really nice apartment. If they accept us, which we don't know why they wouldn't, then our search is finished. If they deny us, we're destined to live in squalor.

Wish us some luck, will ya?

How to Spend 10 Consecutive Hours In a Car With a Toddler

First, you stop in at your local Denny's before you even hop on the road. It's always better to fuel up a toddler's belly before you head out.

While listening to Denny's wonderful selection of music, it's always fun to teach your toddler to make the crap sound a little more exciting by dancing in your booth. Then, when the B-52's Love Shack starts to jam, laugh hysterically when your toddler turns to her father during the chorus and sings to him "Love Shack Daddy, Love Shack!"

Second is to make a pit stop for your toddler's request to poo-poo potty at your first convenient location, which might happen to be a Dunkin Donuts. After a mildly successful rest stop- she only went #1 and not her requested #2- hop back in the car and laugh hysterically all over again when your daughter proceeds to make up her own Dunkin Donuts song and car seat dance. (must remember to do much better then me and actually get this on camera)

Third thing to do is ask your toddler any question your heart desires only to receive the newly and well versed answer of "I don't know" that is always said with the most cynical ear to ear grin. Then listen to your husband mumble under his breath that said toddler is "just like your mother. She can't make a decision either." Yep, he's a sweetie. Back off ladies, his snide remarks are all mine.

Fourth is to listen to your toddler ask you 100,00 times "Mommy. What's doing?" and when you answer "Kyra. What are you doing?" she answers back every single time, without fail, "I Keyda!" while giggling with delight. Oh, what a hoot this game is!

And finally, when you make it to your final destination 10 hours later and your toddler's pull-up is still dry (the one you put on her at 8 o'clock that morning because the day before she had 5, yes 5! WTF?, accidents and a day 2 Repeat for the Road didn't sound like much fun), you bounce up and down with her in your arms while gleefully exclaiming what a great job she has done and how you are so very proud of your little girl. This ending is, seriously, the cherry on top of a very good trip.

It's been happy travels so far. Here's hoping for one full week of a happy, on the go toddler.

Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.

Thanks to this stuff, which I truly think was sent from Heaven, I can breathe again. In fact, I even had my first 2 hours of consecutive sleep when I actually had a deep rest between the hours of 3pm-5pm. I probably would have slept even longer, except my wonderful husband and his bad timing called to tell me he loved me and woke me up.

All though there is a down side. While it advertises it will last for 12 hours, in my experience it only works for 5, but those blessed 5 hours are wonderful. That's 5 less hours in the day that I don't have to remind myself to "Breathe. Breathe. Open your mouth and breathe, Alicia, your getting dizzy from lack of oxygen again." I am typically not a mouth breather and crap if it isn't slightly difficult to change your natural habits.

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In other news, we are leaving tomorrow morning for a week of house hunting down at the Mason Dixon Line. If you remember our last house hunting trip, I think this one should be a little more productive but hopefully not lacking in the fun and excitement we had.

Oh, and the kicker of all this... Kyra fell face first onto our fake hard wood floor tonight and now has a pretty reminder of it. How many prospective land lords do you think are going to take one look at her face and deny us a house because our daughter looks like a child abuse victim?

More Advice Needed

Why is it that when I lay down I can't breathe, when I sit down my airway is slowly cut off, and when I stand up I can breathe through one nostril, but when I walk around I can breathe with very little resistance?

To correct my breathing problem I have taken cold medicine, sinus medicine, Vicks VapoRub, Vicks Vapor Inhaler, Vicks Vaporizers, a pot of boiling water, a hot shower, saline spray and blowing my nose hard enough my ears pop. My nose is sore and not one of these things has worked for more then 30 seconds, if at all.

For all the snot that comes out there is no shortage of congestion to take its place.

The sore throat is gone, the feeling my head will explode is much, much less, and the achies have all disappeared. But my damned sinuses will not drain!

Any more suggestions to help me out? Seriously. I was having panic attacks trying to fall asleep last night because there was a definite lack of oxygen in my brain.

While I can walk around all day long and breathe just fine, my poor feet and legs are tired and my body would just like 4 consecutive hours of sleep.

How's Jeremy, you ask? Oh, as of 6pm last night, after his 8th nap of the day he was magically healed.

In fact he is so healed he and Kyra are currently napping together at this very moment.

While it's nice that he's feeling better and taking good care of our kid, it would be nice if I too could take a nap. But, no, my body apparently has better plans for me.

Any more advice up your sleeves?

Death Warmed Over

That is probably what Jer and I collectively look like. We're both sick. Head congestion so bad we're certain our brain matter will soon coat the walls when our melons finally explode under the pressure. Our throats are swollen, bright red and burning. Snot that can some how both dribbling down our face and still clog our noses. We can't breathe through it yet the shit won't blow out. And Jeremy's complaining about nausea- which earned him the right to sleep in the guest bed last night because I'm not catching that crap.

Over all, the two of us are death warmed over.

Please send vitamin C.

Kyra, on the other hand, is on the mend, I think. She's still hacking away, but not at hard. Her nose is till producing green slime, yummy, but she can breathe. She's still not all that excited about eating, but she is drinking tons. The sure sign she's feeling better is that she is bouncing from one fucking wall to the other.

Jer and I can barely pick our heads up off the couch.

Today we've agreed to be terrible parents. We're turning the television on, popping in all the Disney cartoons with various animals we can find on hand, and doing our best to keep Kyra subdued so maybe we can rest and get better. There's no playing today. Just wining, and lots of it, from all three of us.

You'd think we were all 2 years old and in need of some TLC.

A sure sign our sickness? Kyra has been walking around the house in no more then panties since 7:20 this morning and Jeremy isn't throwing fits to "put some clothes on her!"

For the love of all things holy, overnight us several cases of Simply Orange brand orange juice, will ya?

Cries of Revenge and Major Break Throughs

So my girl friend (Hi Lisa!) sent the He's The Man video to her husband because she found it just as funny as I did... apparently he found his own video and cried for revenge here:



But after watching that, I found this one to be much, much funnier:



What is your favorite? Or, if you think they're both stupid and I should really quit posting such nonsense you can inform me of that too.

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On another note, Kyra slept through the night, in her own bed, for the first time in nearly a week.

No coughing fits waking her up, no snot clogged airways to breathe through, no crying for "MOMMY!" in her most hysterical I'm scared come save me voice. And yet, I still tossed and turned half expecting to shoot out of bed any moment with a bottle of knock off Robitussin the Toxic Craphole's clinic likes to pass out.

Even with out much sleep on my end, it was a good night. Better then it has been is always good for me. Hopefully tonight both Kyra and my body will let me had a decent nights rest.

Happy New Year!

We brought in the 2008 with Kyra staying up super late, thanks to our lovely neighbors who think it's super great fun to shoot off fire works all night. Because of their generosity, everyone within a six mile radius was up through midnight willingly or not.

Though Kyra's staying up wasn't completely their fault. She's been hacking up some yummy phlegm since Saturday night and any cold medicine we give her makes her a little hyperactive and loopy. So we stuck her in bed, put in some Winnie the Pooh and Lion King and there she lay until 11:30.

At 11:59 and 52 seconds we turned on Dick Clarks New Year's Rockin' Eve to watch the ball drop.

At 12:15 Kyra was out like a light.

1:30 Kyra starts fussing and hacking up another lung. Cough syrup quickly follows.

3:12, 4:27, 5:07 Kyra cries, whines, fusses and is over all not a happy camper.

6:30 Kyra starts up once more. I pull her on top of me hoping I can rub her back to calm her down, except... well... she was scorching hot. Burning up.

6:45 Happy New Year honey, Kyra's running a 102.9 temperature. Now, will ya hop on down to the store and get something that covers both fever and coughing.

9:08 Kyra falls fast asleep on the couch watching America's Next Top Model reruns on VH1.

What a fabulous way to start off 2008.

How are you guys bringing in your new year? Making any resolutions? I'm jumping on Heather's band wagon and going resolution free this year.

Not that I've ever made a resolution in year's past, why start now?