Ya'll Wondering If We Fell Off A Cliff?

The answer to that would be no... but we have been traveling through the land of Dial Up again. The Sunshine State is good for entertainment purposes, as long as it doesn't include Internet. To tide you guys over for another few days until we get back to the Mason Dixon line here is a video that I haven't had the chance to watch with the volume turned on, so I don't promise you anything more then a few seconds of staring at my kid's mug as she watches Shamu splash the crowd.

What I was trying to catch on video is Kyra yelling "No splash. Not nice!" but, being that she's not a performer herself, she quit yelling as soon as the camera was trained on her.

I'll be back either Tuesday or Wednesday with the pictures of Kyra's dress I promised and never posted. Cross my heart, Scouts Honor, all that good stuff.

New Milestone (For Kyra and Myself)

Did ya'll know you're the greatest group of people that ever lived? Seriously.

There was not a single friend or family I told in person who actually stopped, listened, and asked me how they could help. Not. One. Person. I got a lot of Well, I've seen her do [whatever] before or I've never noticed and more then all the other comments, There's nothing wrong with her, your pediatrician is blowing smoke from her ass.

You guys were all Why the hell didn't you tell us? which, really, made me come to near tears with every one of your comments. So, thank you. You're words touched my heart. (God forbid) if there is ever a next time, I cross-my-heart promise I won't leave you out of the loop.

Wanna know why today was very awesome? Kyra played pretend with her BFF for hours today. Ow-Errs. Hours. She was pulled around in a wagon- played with their kitchen toys- read books- they put on their shoes, each grabbed a book and proceeded to talk about how they were going to church and then shopping. It was adorable. And a first for Kyra.

She has read books for an hour by herself before, she's played for 15, 20 minutes by herself while building with Lego's but never for hours with someone other then Jer or myself. It was amazing to watch.

And because she was so amazing I finished Kyra's dress today! I was going to take pictures of her and post about that tonight but Kyra decided to somehow climb up the side of the bathtub when I turned my back and get my razor. I was busy talking on the phone with my mom, pacing from the bathroom to the living room, around the coffee table and back to the bathroom. In that short period of time she snatched my razor, rubbed her thumb across the edge and confirmed that her circulation was great. She was tired, she "have a boo boo on my finn-ger", and nothing would stop the pain like a band aid and a good cuddle.

Yep, I'm still in competition for the coveted Mother of the Year Award.

Tomorrow I'll bring you pictures of the finished product. Stay tuned. You'll be impressed.

Possible Autism

It was brought to my attention that I never talked about Kyra's "possible Autism." So here I go. Partly because I think about it every day. I spend an hour or more of every day thinking about it and how to help Kyra either get past "possible Autism" or successfully live with it.

I knew early on last summer that Kyra was lagging behind socially. Sure she was barely more then a year and a half, but I knew something was a miss. Instead of focusing on it I chose to pass it off as Kyra being quiet and shy.

She didn't talk to but a few strangers because she had a passive personality. She didn't speak more then one and two words at a time because it was a summer of Mommy and Kyra and we knew what each other wanted without having to always speak. I assumed this was typical of a stay at home mother/only child living situation. We only had each other, with a constant change in new and returning cast members thrown in for good measure.

I took notice when she didn't play with other children. She would gladly sit beside another child and play next to them, but never really had a true interaction with them. I'd take her to a park filled with toddlers and mine would be the one who wanted to swing for 45 minutes, watching, always watching, until it was only the two of us left. Only then would she request to stop swinging to run like a caged animal around the park. Climbing, sliding, running and jumping.

She has a friend her age whom she has regular play dates with, whom she always played side by side. There was one little girl Kyra took a liking to, she was a year older then Kyra. We'd have once a week play dates where this little girl was present. Whenever Kyra attempted to play with her, the little girl refused to play with her. Fussing, snatching toys, running to her mother because how dare someone interrupt her play. Typical 2 year old behavior. Other then those attempts, Kyra never cared to play with someone other then myself. Because she was passive and shy.

Also quite typical, the ability to ignore Mommy at all costs. Kyra, look over here! Nothing. Kyra, what's that? No response. Kyra, I love you! Silence. Kyra, Can Mommy have a kiss? "No." A response. Good! She's not deaf.

Kyra reads, for hours and hours at a time. Most of my day is spent reading book after book until I get cotton mouth. When I'm completely exhausted from reading I then entice her with attempts to play with her toys. Lego's, she likes. Eating crayons, she likes. Making a mess, she likes. Cleaning up any mess, she likes. Cooking with Mommy, she loves. Doing any of the following on her own, hmmm, its just so much better when she can mimic whatever I'm doing. Imaginative play just isn't in her cards yet, I tell myself.

Strangers. She wasn't fond of them. Check out lady at Wal-Mart, waitress at a restaurant, lovely old couple passing by. They all made sweet comments, trying so very hard to get one of those cute toddler responses that just makes any one's day. Kyra gives them nothing. No smile, not words, not even a glance in their general direction. What the hell is so interesting on the floor, I would ask myself.

Her second birthday comes. I anticipate hearing that she had gained some weight and Way to go! Keep up the good work but she still needs to gain a few more pounds to satisfy me, which I hear. Then comes the questions. I know what they're looking for, a similar set of questions were asked at her 18 month appointment. Most of which were all answered "yes", but there were a few "no". Nothing serious, nothing to worry about. Not so much so this time around. I remember the questions, vivid even today, I still wonder if I said something wrong.

Does she play with her toys? Yes
Does she use her imagination? Um, ya, I guess.
Does she do things like feed her dolls, talk to them, do this and do that with them? No. Well, ya, if I do it with her.
But not on her own? Not usually.
What about when she's playing with other children? Well, we've spent the summer in the sticks and she hasn't had many kids to play with until this last two months we've been home.
But how does she play with others? She'll play beside them, but not with them. She's shy.
Does she look people in the eye when she talks to them? Um, no. She's pretty shy, she'll just look at the ground or bury her head in my neck.
Where's Daddy? He's on deployment.
When does he come back? In a week.
How long has he been gone? 6 months.
What has her last 6 months been like? Did you stay at home for most of it? No. We traveled a lot. (talking more to Kyra) We saw lots of her family in the Bible Belt, the Sunshine State. We went to the Land of the CornHuskers for two weeks.
How long were you gone? 4 months.
And there was probably a revolving door of family members and new people? Ya. She usually doesn't get to see them but once a year.

The pediatrician starts to perform the typical round of well baby stuff. Listens to Kyra's belly. Looks in her ears, mouth and eyes. Checks her growth charts. Tries to make small talk with Kyra. Gives her a flavored tongue depressor that Kyra, surprisingly, looks right at her and accepts.

Does she talk? Yep.
How many words will she say in a sentence? Two.
Does she ever have three or four word sentences? Not yet, but I hear it should be any time now.
Has she ever said three or four words together before? Um, she'll mimic 3 words from something I say. But she doesn't offer it on her own.
You say Daddy is coming home in a week? Yes, and we can hardly wait. Can we Krya?
Okay. I want to brace you for the worst but give you hope for the best. She might have possible Autism. It sounds like she's had a crazy summer with Daddy suddenly leaving, you both traveling so much. Her life in these last 6 months has been a whirl wind for her and I think she might have just been caught up for that. However, by the time they turn two they should be using their imagination more, they should be past playing beside others and be actively playing with children their own age. We also tend to see them easily using 3 and 4 word sentences by this age. These can all be early signs of Autism but it' difficult to diagnose. In the Navy it's hard on younger children when the one parent is there one day and the next time they wake up a Daddy has left for another mission. Combine that with a fast paced summer, I would like to believe this is why Kyra is delayed with many of her social skills. But just in case, keep a close eye on her progress when her Daddy returns and the months that follow. If she doesn't improve within 6 months, please return for a follow up. Otherwise we don't need to see her again until she's 3.

My heart sank. I never felt so alone in the world. I'm sure I told my mother in the time before the boat came home but I have no memory of the conversation.

I watched her like a hawk when Jeremy walked off the boat. I put her down on the pier, pointed him out and gave her a good shove in his direction. Jeremy bent down, gave her a hug, asked her "Did you miss Daddy?" and Kyra, never looking at him, pointed to the submarine and spoke, "Daddy's boat." I could have cried right then and there. She spoke to her father. She remembers him!

I told Jer that night about everything her pediatrician said. He all but rolls his eyes at me and says something along the lines that he doesn't think she's autistic. He was never mean or rude, but in utter denial that this could be a possibility. The denial, I'm certain, was his front for blaming himself. If he hadn't left on deployment, none of this might not have happened.

Jer's parents came in for a visit. On one outing to the park, Kyra swinging, watching the other children play, I told my MIL and BIL what was going on. They both said it wasn't true and I should find another pediatrician. Kyra was just fine, she didn't have Autism, she just does things in her own time. This from a woman who hasn't seen Kyra in a year, and a man who hasn't seen her since the day she was born.

Really, why would you trust the pediatrician who has seen her on a regular basis or the mother who has left her for only one week in the last year? Sure, we must be loosing our minds, over exaggerating.

Alone. I had all these "family" members around me but I was totally and completely alone.

Late at night I would Google my way through Autism. All the early warning signs, watch videos comparing an Autistic child to a "normal" child, read the differences in many spectrums of Autism. Every new check list of signs I came across, half the boxes were marked. Half.

A month after "possible Autism" I saw my first glimmer of hope. Kyra spoke her first sentence. Jeremy and I were thrilled and no one understood why. No one celebrated with us. That was okay though, because the sentences didn't stop there. Slowly, at first. Then more and more. Before we knew it sentences were a part of her every day life.

I enrolled Kyra into as many classes as we could afford. Dance, gymnastics, swimming, toddler time at the library, anything to get her socialized. The week before Thanksgiving I saw my second sign, Kyra ran over to a group of 3 girls in her gym class and started kicking a ball back and forth. When they ran to a cylinder rolling thingy Kyra ran too, together they rolled this cylinder thing back and forth. I smiled and watched, silently hoping no one would interrupt her play.

A week before Christmas, Jeremy and I had our first dinner out sans Kyra. It was supposed to be my birthday dinner, but the topic of conversation for the hour and a half surrounded around Kyra and "possible Autism." We went home that night and I showed him all the research I had done and he finally agreed, its a possibility. But we had hope. It had only been three months and already she was starting to speak sentences and playing more easily with other children. We'd take her to the park and the swings were slowly not being used as a place to watch others, but more a few minutes to observe before she hoped off to run to slide.

January comes and another milestone. When we say "Kyra, look over there!" she looks. When we ask "Kyra, what's that?" and she answers. The biggest bit came at the end of January when one morning she climbed in bed with me. As I pretended to still be asleep she climbed over the top of me and planted a kiss on my lips. I opened my eyes, smiled brightly and said my usual morning greeting of "Hi, beautiful! Are you bright eyed and bushy tailed?" Every morning since, she wakes me up with a kiss. How I hope this morning ritual never grows old for her.

The last weeks in February brought our latest bit of good news. Kyra began to acknowledge strangers. No more is the gazing at the floor, but she looks people in the eye, smiles and occasionally she'll answer questions and proceed to ham things up.

Even better, she's using her imagination. She started out pretending to put rocks in her cereal. With no warning, no idea what brought this on, she started pretending. When my MIL came for another visit, Kyra continued with the pretend play. She often has a "little baby alligator- wah wah" in her hand. She'd pet it and tell you it was sleeping, then pick up one for me, then MIL. My MIL looked right at me and said, "See, I told you she was fine. She's not Autistic."

So there you go. Our worries that Kyra might have "possible Autism" is no longer. She still doesn't always talk to strangers, but she's looking at them now. She still doesn't listen to me when I call her name 18,000 times, but my presence is acknowledged. She doesn't feed her babies, play Kitchen on her own for more then 10 minutes, and generally just doesn't play on her own- with the exception of building with Lego's and reading books, but she has pet alligators, puppies and today, caterpillars.

Really, if you spent every day- morning, night, and noon- with this little ray of sunshine, then you'd see the differences she's made. Even though I'm so very proud of her, I can't help but blame myself for the way things panned out.

If only I hadn't left New England the same day her Daddy disappeared from her world.
If only I wouldn't had traveled so much. All this heart ache might, just maybe, could have been avoided if I just thought.
If only, if only, if only....

Then I find myself throwing that pity party and realize I'm not psychic. I did what I thought was best. And as a mother, that's all I can do.

The hardest part of all this wasn't the "possible Autism" but the being alone. The few people I tried to confide in didn't even consider the possible, but shoved it off. Dismissed the opinion of a pediatrician I trusted, dismissed what I've seen, what I knew, what I researched. Because of them, I was alone in my fight to help Kyra catch up to "normal" all over again.

Remember that. Then next time someone comes to you with a possible, don't shove it off. Don't leave them alone. Alone is the hardest place to be when you're dealing with possible.

Overachiever

I'm gonna make Kyra a dress tomorrow. I have never successfully made a dress before, but tomorrow it will be done.

No, seriously, I'm really going to make Kyra a dress.

Stop laughing so hard. You're gonna wet your pants and then I'll be the one laughing at you.

What? Did you think I meant I was making a dress all on my own? HA! Now that is funny.

My Perfect Child

One year ago at Kyra's 18 month well baby check up I was sick with worry that my petite peanut wasn't gaining the weight she should be. Taller and taller she was growing but no substantial weight did she gaining from the prior 9 months.

I was told to stuff as much "healthy fat" down her throat as she would tolerate to make up for the dairy fat her body seemed to reject in the form of never ending spit up and severe, blistering, diaper rashes.

Six months ago at Kyra's 24 month well baby check up I received more keep an eye on this news. My perfect child, who still didn't give hugs and kisses without a physical prompt, who only played beside other children but not with them. My perfect child who picked and chose what few people she would let into her inner circle, who wouldn't look a perfect stranger in the eye, who ignored simple commands and prompts of her mother. My perfect child just might be showing signs of "possible Autism."

I was told it might be due to her crazy summer. Daddy on a 6 month deployment, an unhealthy living situation in the Bible Belt, an overnight relocation to the Sunshine State, a visit to the Land of the CornHuskers, a mother who flies away for a week to Scotland, and a final relocation back to New England. All this could explain why she was much delayed in her social skills.

But just in case, keep a close eye on her progress when her Daddy returns and the months that follow. If she doesn't improve within 6 months, please return for a follow up.

As of late November she will play with other children and not just beside them. As of January she showers me with kisses every day, with never a prompt. Her ability to look a stranger in the eye, smile and ham it up has improved by leaps and bounds in the last 4 months.

Today, she is 2 1/2. Today she is 6 pounds heavier then she was one year ago. Today she shows no more signs of "possible Autism". Today, I have no worries.

My perfect child is still just as perfect as the day she was born and I'm slightly saddened that at 2 1/2 we don't get to have a well baby check to show her pediatrician how well she's improved. Even still, I hope in the next 6 months she continues to gain weight and continues to improve on her social skills.

No matter what, she will always remain my perfect child.

Lets Just Say...

You have a 2 year old daughter who enjoys bouncing off the walls, fighting naps, driving Mommy up the wall and talking to ghosts for over 4 hours when she's supposed to be going to bed. Now, lets also say you've found your child behaves much better when she is enrolled in some random class that lets her get all her energy out for an hour or so several times a week.

Knowing all of that, what would you do? Gymnastics, Ballet or both?

All Thanks to Texas Roadhouse

First there was a giant armadillo walking around that Kyra kept calling a Mal'a Dildo. I laughed like a 12 year old little boy and egged her on to say it again.

Then she came home with a balloon shaped like a rocking horse. In the restaurant, the tail was standing up. When we came home, something else was standing up....
And I didn't notice until after I snapped this picture of Kyra showing off.

I should really start a savings account for Kyra's therapy bill when she gets older, shouldn't I?

Think she'll be scarred for life as an adult when she finds this blog and reads the stories I share with the public?

You Make Me So Proud

Write notes to your wee one... Take tons of pictures... Don't worry how much your babe is eating.... Talk about some damn good advice!

I started writing notes to Kyra when I began pulling out of my PPD. My first note the day she turned 9 months old, my last note unfinished from last summer. Lisa reminded me I should get back on that train.

I even go through spells with my picture taking. Some days Kyra is probably walking around seeing flashbulbs permanently ingrained into her cornea. Other weeks, not a single picture is taken. Coming from Johnina who has school age girls as well as a sweet little bundle in blue, she should know what it's like to look back and remind yourself what life was like when snapping off all those photos.

Don't worry about how much your baby is eating. Though I didn't always worry about what Kyra ate, we all know once her pediatrician piped up about her not gaining weight, I have had a very difficult time letting go of that worry. Thanks Joelle. You're onto something with that whole "adding to the stress level." Seriously, why do we as mothers like to over stress?

None of this advice was meant for me but it helped me out anyway, and I bet Jennifer appreciates it too. None the less, you guys are a couple of smart Mommies and I thank you for sharing what you know to the newest member to the club.

Now, on to more advice and opinion requests. If your toddler tells your husband she wants to go to gymnastics so she can walk on the balance beam would you a) enroll her in the first tot sized gym class you can find or b) save your money and let her continue to walk on all the curbs and parking bumpers she can find?

Really, This doesn't Seem like A passing fad. What's your call?

***Updated to add:
The parks and zoos are not the only places she does her balance beam act. Sidewalk curbs, parking stops, and any painted line she sees will, too, become a balance beam. She's also doing somersaults all around my house, although, this wasn't part of her request for gymnastics, but I'm still certain we're going to have to fix a hole in the wall because of it. Its not like Kyra is the most graceful thing, she is only 2.

Required- As In, Not And Option

Wanna do something sweet and wonderful and down right fabulous for a new mom? Go over here and tell Jennifer how adorable her new bundle in pink is. Also, just because I asked and you love me to pieces (Heather, Joelle, Candace, Erica, Johnina and Lisa), while you're over there pass along to her the very best piece of advice someone gave to you when your first had your beautiful little girls.

Don't know what to tell her? I'll give you a head start:

Jennifer,

The best advice given to me wasn't "sleep when the baby sleeps" or even "you know your baby best, trust your instincts." The best advice ever given to me was "don't rush to the next stage of your babe's life, and don't wish she be one step farther then she is today, because when she's walking and talking you'll be wishing she was still crawling and cooing. When she's running and climbing, you'll wish she was still toddling and reaching to be picked up. Enjoy your baby for what she is today. Take it all in with wide eyes and patience because in 3 months you're going to miss the way she looked and acted today.

Now, hop on over and give her your two cents. Was there some baby object you couldn't live without? Some words of wisdom that changed your way of thinking or doing?

What are you waiting for? You've all been there before, you know how her first few weeks and months are going to be. This is your written invitation to meet someone new and make her feel loved. So get. GO!

I See Dead People...

Well, not me, but I think Kyra might.

Every night we put her to bed she chats away. Who she's chatting to is unknown. I assumed she was just talking to her 30 stuffed animals she insists on sleeping with, or maybe she simply enjoys to hear her own voice.

My MIL was here last week. One night she was soaking in the bath and heard Kyra chatting away again. After her bath she came to me and asked if I was in there talking with Kyra. I said no, I had been in the living room. MIL said she listened to Kyra saying things like "Hi, Papa*" and talked about "the puppies" as well as asked questions... and received answers... Apparently by someone, or something, that made my MIL think, no insisted, I was in the bedroom talking with Kyra because she heard 2 distinct voices.

What do you guys think? Do you believe in the kooky, creepy and unknown? Do you think my kid talks to the creepy and unknown?

**Kyra will call any older "grandpa age" man Papa, so I'm not so certain she was pretending to talk to her own Papa.

Oranges and Knives- Just Say No

My sister has nearly cut her finger off twice with a butter knife while cutting up fruit. I think I've topped her. While slicing an orange for Kyra's lunch today I nicked my finger with a steak knife. I'm a genius.After repositioning my hand I then stabbed myself in the palm. It's about a quarter inch deep and could probably use a stitch or two.
Because I'm a big 'ol baby and petrified of needles there will be no stitches for me. Instead I've consulted my MIL- who is a registered nurse and has an overwhelming number of hours logged in the ER- and she suggested scouring the dickens out of the wound then sealing it shut with superglue. (apparently that's what the ER uses, only with a purple dye)

The only problem is I can't find our superglue that I was certain Jeremy was harboring in his tool box. So instead I'm cleaning the dickens out of it, lathering up with some triple antibiotic sludge and sealing the whole mess up with a waterproof band aid for good measure.

The betting pool for how long it takes me before my hand is infected with gangrene is open. You may place your guesses, um.... now.

Easter in the Sunshine State

We moved to the Mason Dixon line so our lovely government could have our painted over rust clad boat torn to shreds. I personally think it would save a lot more time and money if they just took the damned thing out to sea, used it as target practice and made a reef out of it- all the while selling tickets and popcorn for all those who would love to watch the demise of the submarine that kept our husbands out to sea for so long.

But, instead they've sent them back out to sea again.

God bless the Navy and those head honchos who apparently hate seeing their wives. **insert eye roll here**

You see, the dry dock they are supposed to pull into is currently having problems shoving the boat currently residing there back into the water while still being in proper floating order. So out to sea we go. Apparently it's cheaper if they submerge our boys in a boat broken enough they're going to tear it apart then to just have them sit pier side and watch the waves slap the sides.

It'll be another Easter spent without Jeremy taking part in all the egg-tastic fun. So I'm taking my pity party back to the Sunshine State- and I'm bringing along a friend! Because, honestly, how can you really throw a pity party here?

Hey, don't make fun of our picture, we're a couple of hotties in person.